Wednesday, December 28, 2005
Whew~ Christmast is over! It was very nice but I am glad it is over. We spent lots of time with family and friends...it was great, but wore all of us out! Alexis had a very nice christmas even though i was worried.....she loved everything she got and didnt have to return anything. My dad got her a digital camera ( my idea for birthday) so I will have to think of something else for her birthday in January. Can't believe she will be 15!! Mason loves all of his stuff too.....he got a few repeats (things he already had) but not too bad. He loves his basketball goal and his Little people garage! He did so good at all of the gatherings! only one small crying spell (not even a bad one)...his cousin got a football and Mason thinks all balls belong to him ( he is a ball freak!)so he cried when his cousin wouldnt hand it over...but nice little cousin finally gave in and let Mason play with it.
We still havent decided anything on the TTC front, but are leaning towards the donor eggs IVF... we are really waiting to hear about my settlement before we can make any decisions....really wish money wasnt an issue! I would go through it all again right away if I could. Well hopefully 2006 will be a good year for us!!
Happy New Year!!
Sunday, December 18, 2005
Cant believe this is the last weekend before Christmas! I have finished up most of my shopping, but I cant help to feel like I dont have "the gift" for my kids....every year I try to get alexis that one gift that will just knock her socks off.....well this year, I dont think I am going to do that.....examples of past presents are cellphone, stereo, etc....she has every electronic that she wants (dvd player, tv, stereo, ipod etc...) at age 14, there just isnt anything that she "has" to have this year, makes me sad....I was wrapping her things and I just feel a little sad that although she is getting some nice things......nothing special. I remember the year that I got my Cabbage patch doll or the year i got my bike.....I am feeling the same way about Mason, although he is still very young and it doesnt matter to him, I still feel like Santa should bring something extra special.... i will never forget the year Alexis got her tv/vcr combo....she was so excited, i love seeing that look in her eyes. If she was a boy, we would probably be buying a PSP for her this year, but she is just not into that... Her birthday is in January and I already have an idea for that special gift.....
Wednesday, December 14, 2005
almost have all my shopping done....but nothing is wrapped yet...oops! I have my follow-up appointment with the doctor today. My nurse Brandi wont be there today, she is on vacation, so I guess it will just be me and the doc...not sure what this appointment will entail. If she has enough information for me,and thinks that we should try again....I am open to it..but not until the spring, when we get some of this IVF paid off. I am expecting some money to come in from a lawsuit, so I am willing to use it for another try, not sure DH is willing to try again though. He is pretty disheartened still. I will update after the appointment today.
well the appt went fairly well.....i didnt cry! I really thought I would break down in front of the doc but i didnt! anyway, it was a 30 min consult with just me and the doc face to face.....that was nice! she was very straight forward and gave me several options.
#1 option: Do another IVF cycle, it would be a longshot because I was on the most aggressive protocol already, so the only thing she could really change would be to tweek the meds a bit, but she stated that she didnt know if we would get a better response or not. If we chose to do this option, she felt it was best that we do it soon.
#2 option: Do IVF with donor eggs and DH sperm. She gave me a 60% success rate with this and stated that it would cost about $12000.00 also she stated that we had up until I was 50 yrs old to do this option.
#3 option: Do IUI with donor sperm, I would be on aggressive injectibles and she said the success rate would be fairly high with this also.
She told me that if I had reservations about using donor, then she would suggest that we do another IVF, so that we would have great assurance that we tried everything we could to have a full-blooded sibling for Mason. She said that it is possible for us to have success....she also said that she would tell me if she thought it was a lost cause.
I gave these options to DH, but he is unsure.....I am leaning towards option #2, i like 60% chance and the fact that I would be able to carry the baby (as opposed to adoption)......DH and I have a lot to figure out.....
Friday, December 09, 2005
Still trying to figure some things out......but doing better day by day!
Thursday, December 08, 2005
I am feeling a little better, back to being myself, which is nice!Although I still start crying when I think about it too long.... I was supposed to have my "failed IVF" follow up appt yesterday afternoon. I cancelled it due to the bad weather and rescheduled for next week. Not sure if they will have any answers for me or not. It will be interesting to hear the embryiologist report though. I am curious as to why only 1 out of 5 eggs fertilized normally. I also started to do some research on adoption....man, where does one start???? there is soooo much info out there but what is the best way to begin? Anyone out there have suggestions for me??? any good experiences with adoption? Do you use an agency or a private lawyer..foreign or domestic??? I will really have to work on my research skills!!!! I am open to any suggestions....so please commment if you know a good place to start!!!
Ok, just need to vent a little......on the news last night, an 18yr old girl killed her 3mos old baby by placing it in the clothes dryer...and I cant get f*&*ing pregnant......PISSES ME OFF!!!
Monday, December 05, 2005
The nurse finally called with the bad news at about 1:30pm....I told her that I already knew, so it was no suprise. Doesnt make the pain any easier though. Jeff and I havent discussed what is next for us.....we just don't know. I just want to thank everyone for the kind thoughts, prayers and the support through all of this.
Sunday, December 04, 2005
Well I changed my mind about keeping things private. Unfortunately it looks like we are out. I tested with 2 cheapy home pregnancy tests and both came out negative. I am slowly coming to accept my fate. I am so sad, I am truly unable to express my sorrow because this was our last chance at having another baby. I have not cried yet, I think I am waiting to hear it from the nurse tomorrow....then it will be official. Thanks for all of your prayers, thoughts and support during this rollercoaster ride.
Friday, December 02, 2005
Well I have made it to 11dpo (days past ovulation, past retreival).....but I have to say I am just not feeling very hopeful......it seems like such a longshot for this to work that I just cant imagine it. I think part of it, is that if I let myself think that it did work, then when the test comes out negative, I will be just that more devastated....I plan on testing at home over the weekend, but I will most likely keep the results private until the beta makes it official....negative or positive. Today was hard not to test because I did get a positive on 11dpo when I was pregnant with Mason....I figured if I tested today and it was negative, i would truly convince myself that it didnt work, even though 11dpo is technically still early to test. I need to hold on to a little bit of hope as long as I can.